GARCIA REMAINS A BARRACUDA

It looks like fan favorite Daniel Garcia will remain in Barracuda blue.

The deal that sent Garcia to the Dell Troubleshooters fell through when M. Chip “Larry” Pho Phung tested positive for HGH, STD and EIEIO during the team’s routine physical.

Troubleshooter officials have requested that their hash browns be returned. “That’s an internal matter,” team manager Sam Holland said. “In my stomach!” The Barracudas may be fined for consuming the hash browns prior to finalization of the trade.

Ned O’Neal, Shaq’s third cousin twice removed, will not be joining the Barracudas, either, after 78729 personnel discovered that Klint Richardson’s half bottle of peanuts was eaten down to a quarter bottle, a clear violation of the deal. “We gotta have our nuts,” a 78729 spokesman said. “Turns out I wasn’t done with them,” Richardson said.

Garcia was thrilled to remain with AFP Basketball and harbored no ill feelings. “We’re gonna win a ring now, you dirty bastards,” he said. “See right here? Right here. You’re not looking. I’m pointing right at it . My finger, you see it? That’s right, b****es, you know what I’m talking about.”

“We don’t know what he’s talking about,” Holland said. “They don’t even give rings out in this league. He did have a pretty hard fall in our last game.” When reminded that he also had a hard fall that it could still be heard in space, Holland abruptly ended the interview.

It is almost certain that Pho Phung will be suspended for violating the league’s anti-substance abuse policy. Particularly disturbing to league officials is his use of EIEIO created by the man known only as Old MacDonald.

It is reported that Old MacDonald had a farm, EIEIO, and on that farm he had a cow with a moo moo here and a moo moo there. According to court documents, he had a moo here and a moo there, and, in fact, everywhere there was a moo moo. It was on this farm where there was a moo everywhere that EIEIO was grown. How Pho Phung came into possession of it is unknown at this time.