Friday, February 29, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Here comes the J-TRAIN!
Kids WB and AFP Basketball are proud to announce the J-TRAIN CHOO CHOO HOUR, an hour long animated children’s program inspired by AFP Blue Barracuda Justin Gilliland.
“J-Train is in the tradition of Thomas the Train except the J-Train is way faster, meaner and will bust through anything in its way. The Choo Choo Hour is a way for me to get my message of perseverance in the face of insurmountable obstacles to children. And that sometimes in life, you have to kick a little ass.”
The show consists of the villain, Bad “Baddy” McBadsterson, placing obstacles on the train tracks and J-Train knocking over, breaking through or pushing the obstacles out of the way.
When asked if it were an interactive show like Dora the Explorer, Gilliland replied “Nah, it takes Dora too damn long to go over the mountain and through the forest and all that. J-Train would traverse that distance in one quarter the time, then Dora could stop trying to teach my kids Spanish and spend more time teaching the Spanish kids English.”
J-TRAIN CHOO CHOO HOUR will begin airing on Kids WB on Saturday, March 8th at 10:00 a.m. EST.
“J-Train is in the tradition of Thomas the Train except the J-Train is way faster, meaner and will bust through anything in its way. The Choo Choo Hour is a way for me to get my message of perseverance in the face of insurmountable obstacles to children. And that sometimes in life, you have to kick a little ass.”
The show consists of the villain, Bad “Baddy” McBadsterson, placing obstacles on the train tracks and J-Train knocking over, breaking through or pushing the obstacles out of the way.
When asked if it were an interactive show like Dora the Explorer, Gilliland replied “Nah, it takes Dora too damn long to go over the mountain and through the forest and all that. J-Train would traverse that distance in one quarter the time, then Dora could stop trying to teach my kids Spanish and spend more time teaching the Spanish kids English.”
J-TRAIN CHOO CHOO HOUR will begin airing on Kids WB on Saturday, March 8th at 10:00 a.m. EST.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Clinton, Obama Court Barracuda Votes
Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama took time today to speak to AFP Basketball prior to their debate at the University of Texas. About two dozen AFP Basketball members past and present crammed into the AFP Main Conference room to listen to the candidates.
“No venue is too small to talk about real solutions to real problems,” Senator Clinton said. “Although this venue is pretty stinking small.”
“It doesn’t matter if you’re 0-3 or 3-0.” Senator Obama said. “A good, aggressive zone defense combined with a solid offensive strategy will lead to wins. Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!”
The candidates warmed up for the debate by trading barbs.
“Unlike Senator Clinton, I opposed man to man defense at the beginning of the season, and I’m against it now.” Obama said.
“Just compare our records,” Clinton said. “I was on an all star team in Arkansas, I led the woman’s White House basketball team to at 7-1 record and I’ve been successful in New York. My colleague has none of those accomplishments.”
“Real change comes from the outside,” Obama countered. “And my outside shot is true. My outside shot has a high arc. The American people want outside shooting, and the American people know that black men can ball.”
Clinton wasn’t done. “It is time to move from good words to good works -- from sound bites to sound solutions."
“That’s a nice sound bite,” Obama said.
Things turned nasty when Clinton equated the fight for the Democratic nomination to the “Rocky” movies. She compared herself to Rocky Balboa and Obama to “Clubber” Lang, the character played by Mr. T in Rocky III. “I have shown and I will show the American people the eye of the tiger.”
“I pity the fool who doesn’t vote for me,” Obama said. “And my prediction for March 4- pain!”
Clinton leapt across the table and began clawing at Obama’s face. Regrettably, no video cameras were present, so it will not appear on You Tube.
Those undecided before the candidates spoke were no closer to a decision after they had left. “Clinton’s got that crazy Joker smile that was distracting me,” Clint Owen said. “And Obama has them goofy taxi cab ears that make him look 12 years old. I’m not sure what I just saw.”
Clinton and Obama will debate tonight at 7:00 p.m.
“No venue is too small to talk about real solutions to real problems,” Senator Clinton said. “Although this venue is pretty stinking small.”
“It doesn’t matter if you’re 0-3 or 3-0.” Senator Obama said. “A good, aggressive zone defense combined with a solid offensive strategy will lead to wins. Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can!”
The candidates warmed up for the debate by trading barbs.
“Unlike Senator Clinton, I opposed man to man defense at the beginning of the season, and I’m against it now.” Obama said.
“Just compare our records,” Clinton said. “I was on an all star team in Arkansas, I led the woman’s White House basketball team to at 7-1 record and I’ve been successful in New York. My colleague has none of those accomplishments.”
“Real change comes from the outside,” Obama countered. “And my outside shot is true. My outside shot has a high arc. The American people want outside shooting, and the American people know that black men can ball.”
Clinton wasn’t done. “It is time to move from good words to good works -- from sound bites to sound solutions."
“That’s a nice sound bite,” Obama said.
Things turned nasty when Clinton equated the fight for the Democratic nomination to the “Rocky” movies. She compared herself to Rocky Balboa and Obama to “Clubber” Lang, the character played by Mr. T in Rocky III. “I have shown and I will show the American people the eye of the tiger.”
“I pity the fool who doesn’t vote for me,” Obama said. “And my prediction for March 4- pain!”
Clinton leapt across the table and began clawing at Obama’s face. Regrettably, no video cameras were present, so it will not appear on You Tube.
Those undecided before the candidates spoke were no closer to a decision after they had left. “Clinton’s got that crazy Joker smile that was distracting me,” Clint Owen said. “And Obama has them goofy taxi cab ears that make him look 12 years old. I’m not sure what I just saw.”
Clinton and Obama will debate tonight at 7:00 p.m.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Grant Hill an All Star
AFP Blue Barracuda Grant Hill has been elected to the 2008 Men’s Open Rec League All Star Game! The announcement came as a surprise since Hill only played in half of the Barracudas games. No other Barracudas made the All Star team.
“I’m thrilled, obviously,” Hill said. “I’ve been singing ‘All Star’ by Smash Mouth all day. I don’t really know the words so I’ve been butchering it pretty badly. But it’s Smash Mouth, so who’s going to notice?”
An anonymous league source indicated that a misprint on the All Star voting ballot may have led to Hill’s selection. “The original ballot listed him as ‘Grant Hill- the white one.’ But ‘the white one’ was left off the ballot that went out. I think people thought they were voting for the other Grant Hill- y’know, the black one.”
“That’s ridiculous,” team manager Sam Holland said. “And racists. Why you want to keep whitey down?”
While most of Hill’s teammates were happy for him, one, who spoke only with the promise of anonymity said “Are you freaking kidding me?”
No word if Hill will participate in the TracPhone Free Throw Shootout or the Hill Country Fair Lemon Lime Layup Contest.
“I’m thrilled, obviously,” Hill said. “I’ve been singing ‘All Star’ by Smash Mouth all day. I don’t really know the words so I’ve been butchering it pretty badly. But it’s Smash Mouth, so who’s going to notice?”
An anonymous league source indicated that a misprint on the All Star voting ballot may have led to Hill’s selection. “The original ballot listed him as ‘Grant Hill- the white one.’ But ‘the white one’ was left off the ballot that went out. I think people thought they were voting for the other Grant Hill- y’know, the black one.”
“That’s ridiculous,” team manager Sam Holland said. “And racists. Why you want to keep whitey down?”
While most of Hill’s teammates were happy for him, one, who spoke only with the promise of anonymity said “Are you freaking kidding me?”
No word if Hill will participate in the TracPhone Free Throw Shootout or the Hill Country Fair Lemon Lime Layup Contest.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Balls for Bums Drops Holland
The non profit organization Balls for Bums that provides basketballs to the homeless dropped Barracuda center Sam Holland as their spokesman. Holland had only been the spokesman for a little over a two months bringing awareness and donations to a cause that is close to his heart. “We work closely with Hoops for the Homeless to give to those who can't 'ball a half court experience,” Holland said when he was introduced as the spokesman.
No reason was given, but the announcement was made just two days after Holland's dismal performance against Blouses where he went 0 for 4 from the field. Part of the sponsorship agreement called for AFP Basketball to donate $100 for every point Holland scores. When asked if the two were related, Balls for Bums Executive Director Richard Johnson said, “You’re kidding, right? Look, we were proud to have him as our spokesman, but we’re not anymore.”
When approached at the AFP Basketball training facility, Holland would not comment directly, but he muttered something that rhymes with “masterds.”
In related news, traffic on www.samsajerk.com increased by 26% since Wednesday.
Friday, February 8, 2008
GARCIA REMAINS A BARRACUDA
It looks like fan favorite Daniel Garcia will remain in Barracuda blue.
The deal that sent Garcia to the Dell Troubleshooters fell through when M. Chip “Larry” Pho Phung tested positive for HGH, STD and EIEIO during the team’s routine physical.
Troubleshooter officials have requested that their hash browns be returned. “That’s an internal matter,” team manager Sam Holland said. “In my stomach!” The Barracudas may be fined for consuming the hash browns prior to finalization of the trade.
Ned O’Neal, Shaq’s third cousin twice removed, will not be joining the Barracudas, either, after 78729 personnel discovered that Klint Richardson’s half bottle of peanuts was eaten down to a quarter bottle, a clear violation of the deal. “We gotta have our nuts,” a 78729 spokesman said. “Turns out I wasn’t done with them,” Richardson said.
Garcia was thrilled to remain with AFP Basketball and harbored no ill feelings. “We’re gonna win a ring now, you dirty bastards,” he said. “See right here? Right here. You’re not looking. I’m pointing right at it . My finger, you see it? That’s right, b****es, you know what I’m talking about.”
“We don’t know what he’s talking about,” Holland said. “They don’t even give rings out in this league. He did have a pretty hard fall in our last game.” When reminded that he also had a hard fall that it could still be heard in space, Holland abruptly ended the interview.
It is almost certain that Pho Phung will be suspended for violating the league’s anti-substance abuse policy. Particularly disturbing to league officials is his use of EIEIO created by the man known only as Old MacDonald.
It is reported that Old MacDonald had a farm, EIEIO, and on that farm he had a cow with a moo moo here and a moo moo there. According to court documents, he had a moo here and a moo there, and, in fact, everywhere there was a moo moo. It was on this farm where there was a moo everywhere that EIEIO was grown. How Pho Phung came into possession of it is unknown at this time.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Barracudas Blockbuster Deal
The AFP Blue Barracudas have agreed to a three team deal with 78729 and the Dell Troubleshooters . The Barracudas will receive Ned O’Neal from 78729 and M. Chip “Larry” Pho Phung and a bag of hash browns from the Troubleshooters. In exchange, the Barracudas will give up Daniel Garcia and Klint Richardson’s half empty bottle of unsalted peanuts.
This move is bound to generate controversy. Garcia was the team’s leading scorer last season and a fan favorite. And the peanuts were Planters.
Garcia, for his part, took news of the trade in stride. “They’re bastards,” Garcia said.
O’Neal is best know for being the third cousin twice removed of the famous Shaq O’Neal. Team manager Sam Holland said “Third cousin? Dammit!”
78729 will receive Richardson’s peanuts. “I was done with ‘em anyway,” Richardson said.
Pho Phung was a little used reserve on the Dell Troubleshooters bench. It is unclear how he will fit into the rotation. “But everybody loves hash browns,” Holland said.
This is the biggest deal in league history. The deal is final pending each player passing a physical.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Gilliland Announces Endorsement Deal
Justin Gilliland is proud to announce he has signed an exclusive deal with Wo-Tang Beef Corporation to market his own brand- GILLILAND’S BIG BEEF.
“This is pure East Texas beef, coming right at ya!” and excited Gilliland said. “I love beef so I’m pumped to be pushing my beef throughout America.”
Gilliland will be traveling to six states in the next seven days on a promotional tour, so keep an eye out for Gilliland’s Big Beef!
Products in the Gilliland’s Big Beef line include Gilliland Tenderloin, Gilliland Capital T Bone, Gilliland 50/50 Bat O Beef, Gilliland Extra Long Hot Dogs, and Lil’ Gil’s Turkey Gravy.
Also try Gilliland’s Fat Sausage- guaranteed 20% thicker than ordinary sausage or your money back!
Gilliland’s Big Beef also unveiled their marketing slogan- “Dinner’s coming- shoot it!”
The AFP Blue Barracudas are proud to enjoy Gilliland’s Big Beef and Gilliland’s Fat Sausage.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
BARRACUDA SUSPENDED!
Mike Lannan has been suspended for one game for violating the teams substance abuse policy as well as a clause in his contract.
Lannan, who missed the Barracudas last game with a high ankle sprain, was reportedly undergoing physical rehabilitation at his Cedar Park home. Instead of recuperating from his injury, however, he has been in Tijuana, Mexico for the last week, specifically at the popular local bar “Zapata.” It was this deceit that led Barracuda team officials to activate the seldom used “Liar Liar Pants on Fire” clause in Lannan’s contract.
He will miss Wednesday’s game against the Dell Troubleshooters.
“The team’s official position is that we discourage drinking and drug use during the season,” a team spokesman said. “Unofficially, we let them do what they want. We’re kind of like bad parents that way. All that we just ask they they not be photographed. But Mike’s always loved the camera. And, to be fair, the camera loves him, too.”
Lannan was unavailable for comment, but he responded to the controversy through a prepared statement. “Tequila has heretofore undiscovered homeopathic properties,” Lannan said, via the statement. “It is unfortunate that the Barracudas organization is not open to new healing techniques. I also think that they are doody heads.”
Per league rules, Lannan will be docked one games pay.
Barracudas Activate Brian Kruser
The AFP Blue Barracudas activated Brian Kruser from Injured Reserve today. The journeyman forward played for the Dallas Downtown Dunkin’ Destroyers last season and was picked up as a free agent by the Barracudas in the off-season. He is expected to see his first action tomorrow night as a Barracuda. Injuries kept him out of the Barracudas first two games.
Owen Cleared of All Charges
Starsky Owen was cleared today of all charges relating to his January 28th arrest in Round Rock. The incident, involving Kool-Aid and markers, was classified as “a misunderstanding” by Owen’s agent, Cranky McCrooked. At a press conference announcing his client’s release, Mr. McCrooked said “Yeah! Take that legal system!”
According to a prepared statement, the Barracudas are “relieved that these troubles are behind him” and that “we support Owen 100%- but not any more than that. We’re not one of those teams that supports our players and impossible 110% or 120%. 100% is as high as we go. Well, okay, 98% is really as high as we go, but there’s got to be room for improvement, right?”
Owen is expected to rejoin the team in time for Wednesday’s game against the Dell Troubleshooters
Friday, February 1, 2008
Barracudas Sign Clint Owen
The Barracudas signed free agent guard Clint Owen for the remainder of the 2008 Winter season bringing Owen back to the team that originally drafted him.
Owen was drafted out of high school by the AFP Basketball team Vertically Challenged. Owen clashed frequently with team manager Mark Meyer during the team’s tumultuous Fall 2001 season in which Vertically Challenged finished in last place with a dismal 1-7 record. Owen demanded a trade after the season. Meyer refused and Owen quit basketball altogether to play minor league football instead. Meyer was removed as manager shortly thereafter.
Current team manager and starting center Sam Holland has no reservations about reacquiring the troubled guard. “He’s a great addition to the team,” Holland said. “He can dribble and everything.” He did not reveal details of the deal, but sources close to the team reveal that they are incredibly cheap.
Holland and Starsky Owen are the only two remaining players from 2001 team. “I feel like I’m coming home” Owen said. “That is, if my home were a dysfunctional mess full of prima donnas.”
To make room on the roster, the Barracudas moved Jeremiah Cargill to their Y League affiliate, the Vista Vending Machines.
Congratulations to Uber Fan Danielle Hill!
Danielle Hill was the big winner Wednesday night as the AFP Blue Barracudas fell to 78729 53- 43. As the only true, hardcore fan who showed up to cheer the Barracudas on, she recieved all 100 K-Rich Bobbleheads! What she's going to do with them is anyone's guess, but we here at Barracuda Central bet that her family will be getting bobbleheads for Christmas!
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